Don't tell me "How" or "What". Just tell me "Why?"

Talking in my last post about women and growing up struggling to "find my place" in the LGBT community- back when I felt like it was so.... polarized and I couldn't find a home at either end.

During that time I also found myself attracted to .... potential... to experiments. I was SO sure that "this girl" could be because she was a "tomboy" and like LL Bean and ... then it turns out that she's just a tomboy who likes LL Bean. Or the cute femme who teases about "going to the other side" only to be wrapped in the arms of her ex-boyfriend two weeks later. Those kind of crushes were NOT healthy. Thankfully, in a way, this kind of "confusion" was always found "on the street" ( "I want to meet a girl in REAL LIFE") , never in a lesbian bar or from a lesbian personal ad. So it's not as if I was being completely blindsided ... I was just being blind.

It used to be straight girls, but it's evolved into girls who like girls but who don't speak my ( literal) language. So in the grand scheme of things I think that's a step into the right-er direction.....?

I feel like it "runs in the family" though - my Dad's first cousin's husband is German and he didn't speak ANY English when he met her.... but he learned it and they fell in love and got married, he moved to the USA, he got a good job working for Mercedes in California they had kids, grandkids, etc.... so "the challenge" is in my genes. 

The women that I've dated in the past have been from either a college LGBT group or an online lesbian singles profile, etc. But at this point in life I feel like "meeting in a bar" is more likely, easier, given the fact that I've got a good group of lesbian friends in NYC ... and just going out and being social with friends in these places can lead to meeting people without really "looking for it". More of those "when you least expect it" moments. 

I go the distance for love. (even for straight girl crushes - yes, poetry and flowers have been given in the past from me to unrequited love. even soap. I made soap for straight love once. ) I will learn your language. I will work to make things work. I will "keep in touch". 

But you've gotta meet me halfway..... and a promise is a promise. 

I feel like Lisa is not meeting me halfway. I'm not sure what's going on, but at this point it feels like more than just "being busy" with work. I send her QQ messages and she doesn't reply to me. Then I find out ( because I see that- using her "other QQ number-  she has viewed our friend Helen's photo album - I see Lisa's picture under a different QQ name/number in the "recently viewed by" list) that she has a second QQ account .... that she hasn't told me about and she ONLY tells me about it AFTER I confront her. She even commented on Helen's picture while using this new account. If she really wanted to tell me she wouldn't have waited for me to "find out". She would have added me as a friend to this other account. So, I mean, it's not as if she hasn't been online. She's had time online..... she's just chosen not to send me pictures or reply to my message. 

My QQ page is open for everyone to see ( partially because I can't translate enough Chinese to figure out how to make it a private account or "friends only", but I've got nothing to hide anyway). But Lisa has hers locked. I've asked her to add me to be able to "view her page" several times but she insists that she doesn't post photos or anything for anyone to see. Meanwhile, I find that hard to believe because I know that she enjoys taking photos and looking at other people's photos .... AND being the awesome detective that I am - I FOUND THIS ---->  http://profile.pengyou.com/index.php?mod=profile&u=c265e4bd629300c5270853c0100fa098020e9d9cdcc46b2b 

If I can't speak or write your language and I STILL find you. That's a pretty good detective right there. ( and/or a very fed up, angry, determined, lesbian).

It's an OLD profile. She hasn't updated it... but still it shows that she does like to post status updates and some pictures and... that she IS into social network life/stuff. If she has a page here, I'm willing to bet that she keeps a QQ page ... with updates and pictures .... 

and if she's not letting me into this world, then I have to ask myself - what is my place in her world? It would seem to me that I'm intentionally being left out of it. 

We had a fight on my birthday .... ( a QQ online chat/text fight... God those are even more frustrating when you've got a 30 second delay between you- given that you're going between your argument and GOOGLE TRANSLATE to get your point across and to understand hers!) I was home - just kind of getting settled into Taipei here .... a bottle of wine and some tv. Very relaxed night .... but then I found her account and confronted her and she couldn't understand why I was angry .... and she did the whole "It's late I'm going to bed! Goodnight!" thing where she pretended to go offline ( went invisible on QQ) and I called her out on running away and hiding from the conversation and she came back for a few minutes and .... the conversation went nowhere... etc. etc.... 

She hates when I ask "Why"? But I think "Why?" is an important question. Maybe THE most important question. I don't really care about "How?" and "Why?" tells me even more than "What?" ever could. I can figure out the what... I don't care about the how or the when .... but why fills in a LOT of blanks ... it's a helpful question. Why are you doing that? Why did you say that? ... gives you insight into a persons reasoning behind WHAT they did. 

There are 7 years between us. So she's "young". She's 24. When I was 24 .... I was just starting out in the work world, had credit card debt, was still trying to find my way, etc. So a part of me sympathizes with her and understands feeling pressure to be a "grown-up" when ... you're kind of still growing up. I just don't understand the secrecy. People from the Guangdong Province ( where Lisa is from, and where I was living last year) are actually, stereotypically, the most secretive in China... so I walked into a land mine with this one. I should have known not to expect "straight answers". 

I've been ... all the emotions regarding this. At this point I'm just taking a breather from contacting her on QQ. The last message I left her was about two nights ago telling her that I found her old account, showing that she does like to post status updates, etc. ( the link that I posted above here) but I have not heard back from her since. The last "good" messaging we had was around April 20th .... talking about taking English classes this year and me helping her to come to the USA. It was hopeful .... and then a month later here... things have just gotten so... tangled and have really run off course. 

I know that I want to continue to learn to speak Chinese here, regardless of communicating with her. I wish that she was a reason for it ....  

She tried, to add me to her second account on QQ ( AFTER I called her out on it) but it didn't connect... it didn't work. I don't know what happened. I just want her to understand/empathize with WHY I was feeling what I was feeling .... I still don't know if she does. 

Is this "it"?... I don't know. I just need to take a breather from her for now. From asking any more questions. A month. I'll let a month slide ... and see if she contacts me. 

"Let's go down to the water's edge where we can cast away those doubts .... some things are better left unsaid but they still turn me inside out .... tell me ... whyyyyyyyyyyy?" - Annie Lennox

New Life in Taiwan-derful, Taiwan.

I think I'll be writing two blog posts tonight ( get ready Facebook - two updates coming). I don't have to be in to work until around 3pm tomorrow ... so I've got all night to stay up here.

soooo... FIRST UPDATE: I am in Taiwan! Living in TAIPEI (the capital city) now! I've been trying to get here for the past two years... and here I am.  The requirements to teach in Taiwan are a little more rigorous/structured than say South Korea or China ( you pretty much, 9 out of 10 times,  have to have your TEFL certificate or to be enrolled in a TEFL program to teach here). I am in the process of completing a 120 hour online TEFL course and I'm looking forward to that certificate. Last year I was in China, in a small city called Foshan, about one hour outside of the biggest city in southern China, Guangzhou.

I did not really know what to expect, coming into this "second year in Asia". I thought it would be overall much easier .... and in reality it HAS been. However, there were some unexpected frustrations and fears coming in, despite having "been through this" before.

I think "a new year, is a new year". If you move to another city, ( another country), even if the language is one that you have heard before ( they speak Mandarin in Taiwan, just like in China), .... there will still be an "adjustment period". A second year in Foshan would have been easier than a transition, but ... I wanted a transition, so I got it.

I've felt this - a mixture of homesickness, frustration, confusion, etc... transitioning from New York to China last year... but I think this time around it was quicker. I got over it faster and almost two weeks here now, I feel like I'm getting into a groove.

I went home for a month in between ( left China on April 1st 2012 - went home to New York until May 13th, 2012). I was not expecting to come back to Asia so quickly ...I thought I would be home until late June. Going home was WONDERFUL ... but it made coming back here SO MUCH harder. ( even though I'm doing good here now).

In regards to "Taipei Life" I'm GLAD to be "settled" now. To have my apartment and cable and internet setup and to know how to walk home to my apartment from the Dingxi subway stop without needing a cab to take me there.  The first few days I felt like a ZOMBIE. Literally .... caught up between getting over jet lag, going to the medical clinic to get my health check, searching for apartments, attending two out of 5 days of teacher training at my new school ( because I arrived on the third day and I had so many other things to do) ... feeling a like I was starting back at one .... despite having some Mandarin speaking skills under my belt.

Taipei is .... a REALLY CUTE, quirky, wonderful city. I feel like it's an amazing melting ( hot) pot of "Asian Fusion"... not necessarily completely "Chinese" ... but also with a lot of Japanese culture as well ( being that Japan occupied Taiwan for a bit, this is fitting). I have not been ALL over the city yet- but I can definitely tell where the "university/college neighborhoods" are, where the "downtown/city hall" area is... etc.

However, it is VERY ASIAN. Outside of my school, I have not ( yet) seen a lot of "foreigners" here. I feel like I have to speak more Chinese here than I did in Foshan. But the good thing about Taipei is that it is a big city and some Taiwanese people DO speak English-- I will be taking Chinese lessons here soon ( tutoring sessions - about 90 minutes- twice per week).

TAIPEI- BRIEFLY

1. I know how the subways stay so CLEAN here- You cannot eat or drink on the MRT/in the MRT station ( the subway/subway station). If you do, you'll possibly get fined a $7,500 NT fine ( about $250 USD). Mayor Bloomberg should try this in NYC .... he'd bring more money into the city and then could maybe back off on some of the crazy taxes -- let the people keep more of their money!

2. You can pretty much get anything here ( in regards to food). I'm sure it's similar in Beijing or Shanghai .... but in Foshan it was definitely hard to come by things like "Pretzel Chips" and "Special K Red Berries Cereal".... not to mention a variety of cheeses. Here? Not hard at all. Although I haven't seen "Marshmallow Fluff" yet. Hmmmmm ....

3. Everyday I see at least one special needs child/adult in the subway or in a restaurant, etc. here, usually accompanied by a family member.  This should not be a .... "big thing".  I used to work with the developmentally disabled population and in NYC I really didn't notice people despite working in the field, because it seemed so natural. But last year in China, with the exception of the one-legged beggars who would sit on "the bridge" asking for money....  in Foshan, day to day, working at a school located in a shopping mall, I did not see ANY disabled children with their parents, etc... and now, that makes me wonder. Where ARE those children in China? ... Do they exist? ... I don't think there are an overabundance of disabled people in Taiwan, but compared to China? ... there's definitely a noticeable difference. Is it the result of the "One Child Policy" in China? ... it makes me a little sad to think about it. Especially because I've worked in this field and because, in a very short time. I've seen how well special needs people are cared for by their families here.

4. My apartment here is CUTE. It's smaller than my apartment in Foshan, China was ... and there's no pool here... but it's just in a great little neighborhood - with lots of little shops and restaurants and it's just got so much personality! It's a studio in the Yonghe District. It's only one subway stop away from my school ( at the school location at the "Main Office" that I work at 3 days per week. the other two days I'm at another branch and it's a little bit more of a subway-bus trip, but not too bad). This was the second apartment that I looked at online. One of the Taiwanese staff at my school recommended a local Taiwanese website for housing. The English website Tealit.com has apartments too.... but they're often the ones that are overpriced. Written in English and definitely meant for a "foreigners wallet". But I used Google Chrome and translated the Taiwanese website and knew when I saw this apartment that .... this was it. IT felt right. ( Just like when I found my first apartment in Brooklyn. Walking down the street... in Park Slope there... seeing "The Miracle Grill"- now closed- on 3rd st.... meeting my former  apartment-mate/current friend Masha!) Good thing too because doing this jet-lagged - was not easy. Plus my "landlord" is a young guy who is super nice and cool, he lives one floor below me here.... and he knocked $1,000 off of the initial price that he was asking online. So I'm paying $7,500 NT ( about $250 USD per month) including everything but the electric. I've got English/American channels - CNN and TLC and National Geographic and BBC NEWS and HBO on my cable here ( in addition to some funny/cute Taiwanese channels - including Taiwanese game show channel and a Taiwanese MTV channel)

5. OMG... the lesbian population. How could I forget? Yes... yes... there is definitely a lesbian population here. I see couples ( and it hurts.) out and about ... but it's so different and I'm taking my time getting into/exploring the scene. It's more like what the lesbian scene was 15 years ago in New York .... it's very "butch and femme". One partner is "the man" and one is "the woman". This is what used to make me feel so .... disconnected from myself back in the day. I used to wonder... out in situations like this- with so many people at the extreme ..."do I really love women? I don't relate to any of these people here". And then I would .... "feel" an attraction and think, almost confirming to myself over again "yeah... I love women."  You can't find love in a baseball cap or a pair of high heels. By going to the extreme and "playing man and wife" I feel like you are perpetuating the .... oppression.... the anxiety of what you "have to be" ... living someone else's expectations of you. I'm curious about what I'll find here. But I'll be doing it in capri pants and flip flops with pink nail polish and mascara/eyeliner on. I'm... "both" butch and femme.... I'm me. I want to support the community here and find out about life here for gay and lesbian people. I'm going to try to find resources/make new friends and... just "be surprised".

6. I feel like it's another "be proud of your baby steps" year. Don't let your frustrations get the better of you. Even if you've been "in China/Asia" before ... there will be new places and people and routines to get used to in a new city/country. Learning how to "get back to my apartment" and "starting to get to know my kids and to get into my new school routine" are two baby steps that I'm proud of/thankful for here. It's different this year too .... because school was already underway, classes were in session when I arrived here. I did not have time to hold "Experience classes" for "new students". It was about taking over someone else's schedule. But I'm starting to get to know my kids ( and adults - I have two adults that I tutor here too) and they are full of personality and seem eager to learn. I want to keep them interested and excited about English ... to find new games/ways of teaching to them. When it comes to kids learning, I think boredom is the biggest enemy....  and then when boredom brings in his "big brother" Apathy ... it's a lost war. Confusion can be snuffed out with encouragement and patience.... ( except maybe when it comes to math.... ahhh my 6th grade self says "math is always confusing!") but boredom is a dense devil, difficult to get through.

I think that's it for now .... I feel like Taiwan is like any country- in Europe or the US - there is political conversation and frustration regarding their two political parties ( the DPP and the KMT). I don't think people are too happy with President Ma right now. Ugh lots of corruption. On the other hand, I ALSO don't think Taiwanese people consider themselves a part of China. At ALL. No better evidence than a 6 yr old boy who I had a one-on-one tutoring session with the other day ... we were playing a game about countries.... and I mentioned "China" and he said "Stupid China" Clearly "Cross-Strait Relations" are going BEAUTIFULLY...have never been smoother! LOL. It's like "England and Ireland" .... like I've said. Same language, different culture.

OH...  one more thing.... to add to the confusion...  In Taiwan the WRITING IS DIFFERENT than in CHINA. Taiwan uses TRADITIONAL Chinese characters .... China uses SIMPLIFIED Chinese characters. I attempted to go out for coffee at the Starbucks near my school with the cab driver who drove me to my apartment the first night that I "moved in" and realized that he probably had NO IDEA what I was texting him ... because my phone app only had simplified characters..... not traditional.

Taiwan Consulate in NYC & Becoming BFF's with an airline.

Well, it looks like I'm all set as far as I can tell ....
flight booked, passport - still up to date/ all good, bags slowly being organized/packed, cash money? got it- a stack or two of greenish-gray US Dollars ready to be turned into New Taiwan Dollars. Oh, and Taiwan visitor's visa? .... GOT it.

After one year ( including a 20 hr train ride from Beijing down to Foshan) in China, I am feeling much more confident and secure and ready for year #2.... especially being in Taipei, a big city where English is common. Especially in a "country" that is democratic and is open to political debate between the two main political parties- the KMT ("Team Blue") and the DPP ("Team Green"). I plan on using/speaking Mandarin as much as I can there- in stores/in public speaking that first- and only resorting to English when I have to.

It's such a small world because one of my good, old, NYC friends who has lived and worked in NYC for years at a "Big American Company" - went to China about a yr and a half before I did. She was in X'ian for about 2 years. She worked first as an ESL teacher but then picked up a position with her previous "Big American Company" over there. This past July, she called me on the 4th of July and wished me a "Happy Independence Day" and it was so good to talk and catch up and share China stories. THEN only about 4 nights ago we met up in New York City ( where she is back working in a new position at "Big American Company" now) and I met "HER FRIEND" from China. He is Chinese- here for a month or two ... visiting her. He went to college in Canada but he works in China. His job in China is pretty flexible. So we drank and ate and spoke broken Mandarin at The Triple Crown. It was SO great to have drinks and speak a little Chinese and share intertwining Chinese/New York experiences/stories. My friend - Jenn and me and her man-friend ... (Ta nan pengyou .. maybe :) ) then went to The Magnet and saw our friend Ruby in her improv show. It was just one of those really good New York City nights. When anything and everything seems possible ... with time and some hard work and a little faith.

Back to Taiwan now though - I was told before I went to the consulate that the Taiwan consulate in New York is the "MOST difficult" ( along with Hong Kong) to deal with. Maybe they're not considered to be "very personable" or "patient" ? I dunno ... but being a New Yorker I've known my fair share of "rude" customer service people....

and I have to say the people at the Taiwan consulate in New York City were actually NICE and HELPFUL. No attitude. No drama.  Maybe us New Yorkers are just brought up with a lower set of common courtesy standards? Maybe the people at the other Taiwan consulates in other countries/states are angels?.... but these people were nice.

I walked in and the Indian guy behind the desk greeted me with a big "Welcome To Taiwan!" I had my "letter of invitation" and my "friend's information" and my "return flight ticket" and my pictures and passport, etc. The only snag was that you have to FILL OUT THE APPLICATION ONLINE. This is a very recent change. I didn't know about this --- so I took the escalator down again, hustled down the street to the New York Public Library, rented out a computer for 40 minutes, filled it out and printed it.

I am excited about Taiwan. I was excited about Taiwan a year ago - when I thought I was going there,
(but then didn't). I hope to go back to China for Chinese New Year in 2013, but I am also looking forward to exploring and spending a lot of time in Taiwan.  (at least 60 consecutive days ... anyway.) My current Taiwan visa is a single entry 60 day visitor's visa. I had to have "my friend" (someone who works at my school) send an invitation letter and her information inviting me over. My school will turn it into a work visa when I get over there. This is the way it's done. Once I get my ARC ( work visa) I won't have to leave ( like I did in China) every 30 or 60 or 90 days. It will be good for the whole year.

The one thing that I'm not too excited about is the long flight over .... from New York to Osaka, Japan - then a 90 minute layover- and then 2 hours or so to Taipei. I am specifically not excited about flying "cattle class". I want to be bumped up to Business Class or First Class. Really. I am completely naive about any politics/posturing, flirtation/coercion ... involved with this "bumping up" process .... but I would like it to happen. I am thinking my odds would be better if I became BFF's with an airline. If I committed myself to one airline and put a ring ( and/or a membership number) on it.  I had dinner with one of my old friends and her girlfriend last night at their house and they were telling me a WONDERFUL story about being bumped up to Business Class on Quantas when they went back to visit her GFs family about two years ago. I was laughing because it sounded like something out of an Adam Sandler movie.  Two "regular joes" who have never flown Business Class .... enjoying and gasping at all the bells and whistles! It sounded like my friend was the "clown" and her gf was the "straight man" in the scene. One being overly excited, the other trying to quiet the "clown" down. I would definitely be the clown. :) ... and I can't wait until it's my turn.... I've just got to start up some frequent flier miles with SOMEBODY/figure out which airline to commit to. Maybe China Air? Maybe Southern China Airlines? ... Singapore Air is supposed to be really nice ...

I feel like the world is getting smaller and smaller and I'm right where I'm supposed to be right now. I've loved being home for the past 40 or so days but I am ready for this. I am a little frustrated that I couldn't see as many people as I wanted ... but we really DO have time. Time really DOES fly. I will be back and it will all happen when it's supposed to.

I've never been to Taiwan, but I feel like... I am supposed to be. It feels familiar/right.
I also feel very protective of Taiwan ( despite never having been there). It's a small "island country" - like Ireland- and it's not "a threat" to anyone in the world ( except China). But it ONLY threatens China because Taiwan declaring full independence would mean that the Chinese Communist Party "loses face" with their people and could potentially be seen as "weak" and be "overthrown". Technically China and Taiwan ARE two different countries .... because they are ruled by two different Presidents. They operate under two different forms of government.

A potential war in this case would have nothing to do with oil or resources or money .... it's (stupid, arrogant, ignorant, selfish) Chinese Communist Party PRIDE.

It's crazy because I'm not a fan of the Iraq War or the war in Afghanistan. I think maybe only once in high school did the thought of joining the Navy or the Air Force ever cross my mind ( I think it was the idea of the "boot camp" style fitness regime - now you don't need the service- you can get that kinda class at gyms anywhere!) But God forbid something should happen- btwn China and Taiwan, I would absolutely defend Taiwan. I would try to join the army and fight to defend this little island country that is not doing ANYONE harm. I don't know if a "meiguoren" could join the Taiwanese army but I'd do it. I'd fight the PLA.

and speaking of love and pride and nationalism -  when I say "I <3 NY" I mean it.
It's not just a slogan on a t-shirt. It's SO much more. NY is truly an amazing state in an amazing country.

My wish is that we (NY/USA) get ourselves out of debt with China, improve the Public School situation here- in New York and everywhere give kids - especially city kids - their ART and MUSIC and RECESS/GYM classes BACK and focus more on content and a variety of grading methods with kids and less on pressure/focus on standardized tests, legalize gay marriage in EVERY STATE ( more TAX money coming in to the states - when glbt couples everywhere can file as MARRIED!), and create new, awesome, fun and fulfilling jobs that we KEEP here in the USA.

Flying AGAIN! ( and what "settle down" looks like)

I just booked my flight to Taipei for May 14th, 2012. I've been home for about a month and two weeks and I am already going back.  Not back... to Foshan ... not back to China ... but back to that side of the world.

I'm will be starting my second year of teaching ESL abroad- this time in Taiwan. Between yesterday and today my stomach has been in knots and my appetite is not really been so great .. my body has just not been feeling the greatest ( probably 50% due to it being the first day of my period too.... but at least I now know that it has come for the month and it won't be happening ON the airplane. First day of your period on a 15 hr flight .... has got to be the most uncomfortable thing .... I could not imagine that. I'm grateful that WON'T be me ... at least for this trip.

I am excited to go to Taipei. I've had some really helpful little Skype sessions with one of the Reach To Teach recruiters who lives in Taipei, I've emailed with Carrie ... and she's already talking about the May RTT  "Monthly Teacher Outing"  in Taipei that she has pushed back to later in the month so that I can attend ( SO thoughtful.). I've emailed with a teacher who works for the school that I will be working at and who has had a lot of positive experiences there and really seems to enjoy his time /classes, etc. 

It's just .... a bit like whiplash. A bit quick. I thought I would have a little more time to spend at home. In my mind I was picturing "July" ... but I had to grab this position - because they are rare in Taipei - and if I didn't I might not get another chance until mayybe September .... and I can't see myself waiting THAT long.

So it seems again I'm "trying to tie up the loose ends" ... trying to "see everyone" ... or at least try to see who I can, when I can. (there will ALWAYS be SKYPE... and to me, Skype feels like you are talking to someone in the next room ... SO clear, so close.)

When I came back here everything in NY felt familiar and not too much had changed. Before that I had left Foshan - and after a year everything felt comfortable and easy enough .... 

My dad asked me once, while we were driving in the car -  a week or two ago - about when I was going to "come home". Pretty much wondering when I thought ... all the "smoke and dust" would clear and something "tangible" and "firm" would emerge? when would I "settle down" I guess?...

Honestly I think I am going to be in Asia ... for at least these next two years ( coming home in between to visit). I want to become fluent in Mandarin and I want to have at least 3 yrs of teaching ESL abroad under my belt - that to me looks and sounds better "than 1year in China and can speak some basic Mandarin phrases". I told him this and he seemed to understand and agree. I don't know though ... maybe it will be more/less? Maybe I will learn about ESL schools and maybe the school that I'm working at in Taipei will want to expand to teaching new immigrants in the US ... and maybe I could start a branch of the school ( that has branches in Taiwan, China, Vietnam, Japan, and the UK already) in the USA - in New York City?? ... that would be exciting. Then it would be even that much easier for Lisa to move to the USA- getting her work visa/green card - because I could hire her to work for me ... and .. and .... my thoughts are a million miles ahead of my body right now.

TRUTH IS: I'm excited about TAIWAN 

Taiwan SPCA ( maybe I could be a foster Mom to a cat or two while I'm living in Taipei?)

BIG ASIAN CITY ( with the LARGEST collection of Chinese art in the world - more than Beijing/Mainland China!)

a LESBIAN COMMUNITY ( however small, even if there's only two girl bars - it's more than I had last year ... and it would be nice to make some friends and here their stories.)

My stomach is just in knots now. Anxiety and uncertainty. I want everything to be really wonderful with Lisa for this next year. Somehow being in Taipei feels farther from Guangzhou than being in New York City. At least in New York City ... I could send her pictures and know what I was talking about... send her pictures to lure her to come visit/live. With Taipei .... I want her to come visit too ... but I don't want her to think that I'm having this amazing time without her/not thinking about her. I want her to work hard to learn English. I feel like I inspire her and she inspires me. But I also know that I've had moments of doubt and frustration and .... wishing that time would speed up. Just like "Zhi Shao Hai You Ni" - that song we sang at KTV ... there's a line that goes... "how I wish that we could grow old in one night and never be apart" ....

OK so maybe not grow old THAT quickly ... but just to have that certainty...that seems to come with age and time and routine... that time would move THAT quickly and we could get to being those two retired gray haired lovers living in our apartment in New York City-  in Chinatown ( or on the Upper West Side- around 73rd St. and Amsterdam Avenue) . Like that first story/segment in "If These Walls Could Talk 2" but with a happy ending ( and with one partner being Chinese). 

(Your positive thoughts and prayers regarding this are much appreciated friends!)

I didn't describe it in quite that way when my Dad asked me in the car.... 

but I hope that this is what my "settle down" looks like. 

Remembering My "Heated Seat"

I didn't really realize what a huge role spicy/hot sauce played in my life this past year in China.

Until now.

and it's not as if I've been home a year and I'm super-late on this realization .... but it definitely just came to me in an "Ahhhh-Ha!" kind of way today.

Food is big in China, as I've mentioned before. ( especially staples regarding where you live/where you are from - Northern China- noodles/dumplings, Southern China- rice)

Since "self expression" can be kind of limited under a Communist regime, food is the one area where creativity can fully flourish!

When I arrived in Beijing last April, one night after our training, after my jet lag had worn off, me and Metis and Dailly, and Robert went out to eat at a Sichuan restaurant. I definitely remember ordering "Gong bao ji ding" - Kung Pao Chicken.

The Sichuan region of China is known for its spicy foods. And pandas. (only they're not spicy... just cute... and hopefully never eaten! - I'm betting that would only happen if they got smuggled into the Guangdong province!)

I've always kind of had a basic love for spicy foods - Indian, Mexican, Thai - but they were never a staple of my diet. Not an "everyday" kind of love. More like a casual "maybe I'll see you on Friday night?" kind of infatuation.

However, this past year, when we would order out for lunch at work and Metis was making the phone call and I was asked "Ni shan chu shenma?" ( What do you want to eat?) - my answer was usually short and simple. Something like- "spice. beef. noodles. no bones". or sometimes Mapo Tofu ( a spicy tofu) and rice.

I'm guessing the fact that the winter was REALLY cold ( despite never snowing- it was still that "damp cold" kind of cold - and the apartments are not heated- unless you buy a space heater ) in Foshan, made my desire for hot chilli an unconscious one. My body knew HEAT/CHILLI/SPICE could warm my bones!

It actually got to the point where I was using "Watson's Chilli Body Wash" in the shower every morning. ( I'm looking for a picture of it on Google now, but I can't find it.) Basically "Watson's" is like a "Duane Reade" or "CVS"  ( I think they're in Taiwan too). So Watson's was the "generic brand name" ... of this body wash.  At first I thought "Chilli" - like "chill. cooling. cold" -(despite it being in a RED bottle! ). But then when I USED it I discovered that ....

it HEATS your body. Literally, after you get out of the shower and towel off and put your clothes on, you will continue to feel WARMTH radiating from SELECT PARTS of your body! - for me it was usually my arms and my butt. Sometimes my legs. It reminded me of that one time I rode in my old boss Dalinda's BMW that had heated seats. My "seat" was definitely heated. But it was a good thing. Nice and warm. I think it was supposed to be a "slimming" body wash too.  Maybe it will help your metabolism? I don't know. I lost ( and have still kept off ) 10 lbs in China - but I wouldn't say the body wash did it - it was just the result of a complete diet change.

**ALSO- if you are in China/Taiwan or anywhere a chilli body wash is sold and you are about to purchase this product- use it selectively. It's not meant for .. ummm ..every part of your body. I'm sure in some areas ... like your... "eyes" and stuff .. it would be quite painful. I know I don't have to tell you. You're smart- you know this.  Use two different washclothes. That's my last word. **

ok moving forward ....

For the two weeks being home now, I've noticed different things. I've been "assessing" (as my father likes to say about my mother - who is a nurse - "stop assessing I'm fine!" ).

Before moving to China, I used to crack my finger bones a lot. Not my knuckles, but my fingers- pushing them back, stretching them, they would occasionally crack. In China - I never did this. I never had to crack them. ("hot chilli" is supposedly good for arthritis/good for your bones). I didn't even realize this until I came home though.

Also, I've noticed feeling kind of "body achy" at times since being home here. Not in the "post-dance class" body ache kind of way. More like a "bone-ache" ... like my bones are tired. I'm thinking maybe it's an allergic reaction to something. Maybe wheat-gluten? .... I don't know. I'm trying to figure what's different.

BUT even if it could have happened in China, I'm realizing that, that never used to happen in China - because I consumed and washed my body with CHILLI peppers!! - which are supposed to be good for arthritis/bone/joint pain. They supposedly are a natural remedy to take the pain away.

I mean yeah, I had this great "flowery jasmine scented" body wash and also a great coconut-almond body scrub. But the "Chilli" was pretty much a staple - all the others came and went.

So maybe that's what I've got to change being home here now? I'm trying. I actually just had a bowl of elbow macaroni with carrots, spinach and dried cranberries with a home made little soy sauce/chilli sauce/sugar/salt/black pepper/olive oil dressing for lunch.

I'm thinking "Heat" might be my middle name. My Chinese name is  Li Xia Tian. Li is my family name ( given to me by Lisa) and "Xia Tian" means -Summer - (given to me by Metis)  Summer in China= hot, warm, spicy, lychee season, etc...etc.  I'm thinking it fits me - spicy foods, warm weather, and an abundance of lychees. That's the best! Also, in southern China, summer comes earlier than in the USA. The heat of summer comes in April in the Foshan/Guangdong area of China .... which is when I arrived last year.

Soooo, in addition to jet-lag, your body will probably feel different things- maybe allergies/body sensitivities when you come home from China or wherever you are now. Trying to remember "what you did differently" when you were abroad and adding those things into your everyday life back at home, can help with the re-adjustment.

I know for me, it seems like there is A LOT of food here in New York. A lot of choices and I'm kind of never sure what I want to eat. I'm not craving anything specific. I haven't even eaten "REAL" pizza yet ( or any kind- not even fake Pizza Hut pizza.) . When I've been in the city, I've been hanging around Koreatown a lot in NYC - gone to Kyochon for Korean Fried Chicken - (their honey chicken wings might just be something I start craving regularly! Seriously I forgot how- so bad/soooo good- they were.)

For now, ironically, when I really do crave something it's been dumplings or noodles.
I just gotta remember to add the chilli sauce. :)

Cherry tomatoes on your birthday cake.

In pajamas. eating an english muffin, an orange, and a cup of coffee, watching "House Hunters: International" on HGTV...

at 4:50pm on a Sunday.

Paying homage to the goddess of lounging.

Last night was my first night out in NYC since being back and I think, ( even though it only involved 3 glasses of wine over the course of the night) my body was not ready for a late night out.

I caught up with my friend Kate at The Flatiron Lounge over drinks ( "keep it simple white wine" for me) , then we went for an oyster/seafood dinner with 2 couples at another restaurant nearby, before settling in at Henrietta Hudson's ( as my first trip to a lesbian bar after a year without, I think Hens is pretty good re-introduction for anybody! )

for a little dancing and bottle popping ( and by "bottle", I'm talking about the plastic, 20 oz water bottle kind, earlier, my body had told me that it is still re-patriating to NYC drinking and that it was done with wine/liquor for the night. )

took a midnight train upstate and got home around 2am.

Today is Sunday. I'm noticing a pattern where, on the days when I'm home, not in NYC, I turn the day into a kind of "cram school" - my own little "buxiban". TEFL study/work, Mandarin Chinese study, some reading (current book - "China: Fragile Superpower- How China's Internal Politics Could Derail its Peaceful Rise" by Susan L. Shirk ) lather/rinse/repeat.

Oh, and QQ.
whether it's posting a "status update", posting pictures, talking with Metis or even talking with the mom of one of my old Pre-K2 kids ("Hannah's Mom" friended me on QQ) . There is always some QQ time worked into the day.  So I'm sure I'll get around to all of this at some point here - even though I got a late start on the day.

and yes, I'm completing a 120 hr TEFL ("Teaching English As A Foreign Language" - I'm sure you knew that. But if you're my parents, you didn't.)  course online, I don't think I talked about it much earlier, but I'd recommend it, if you are serious about getting into the ESL teaching world for more than a "year away/a year abroad". It helps to have, to open up the door to an increase of teaching opportunities, with potentially more money with credible schools. I have not been "to school" since 2003 - so this is definitely a "readjustment" in addition to coming home. Revisiting "conjunctions" and "prepositions" and "auxiliary verbs" in addition to learning some new ESL teaching tools ... I feel like I'M learning English all over again! LOL.

It makes me think of LISA and her desire to learn English .... I PRAY that she remains MOTIVATED and OPTIMISTIC and is kind and forgiving to herself in her learning everyday. I hope that she  just focuses on "the present" .... and doesn't worry about the "past tense" or the "future perfect"...

As far as my "everyday" here. It's been about two weeks home now. I still feel like a visitor here but at the same time I feel like I've only been away for a week. It's a strange combination - like pickles and ice cream. Or cherry tomatoes and birthday cake. ( I found this in China - a lot of the birthday cakes were cake/cream/ and fruit - and sometimes that "fruit" topping included cherry tomatoes).

Just still adjusting....

Shapeshifting: From Expat to "Repat"

"Repatriation", "Repat" ... it sounds like I'm trying to turn into something that I used to be.
( I don't believe that could ever be 100% possible, but it's an interesting term(s) ).

Today is the first day since being home that it feels like I've "stood still". I've "stopped".

After the initial 48 hrs of jet lag when I was first home ( a little over a week ago now) I went to Aunt Joan's for two nights and got my haircut ( for the first time in 6 months) and did a little shopping, then I spent Easter Weekend with Aunt Mary and some of my cousins out at her beach house in Westhampton, Long Island. Then yesterday I went to New York City for my first visit and spent the day/night taking a Zumba class that one friend taught and then a Hip Hop dance class that another friend was teaching and commuting on the train.

Today? I sat still. I practiced my Mandarin Chinese, I read, I watched tv, etc. etc.
I've spent the entire day in my pajamas.

( and it's a good thing, because after ONE day of TWO workouts that came after a whole year with very little working out,  I am SORE.)

but today was also the first day that I cried for my kids. The day that it all really sunk in.

With me sitting here all day steeping like a cup of tea, it was easy for thoughts to seep in.

I've been talking on QQ with my TA Metis and told her that I missed the kids. I've also been looking at the school blog- seeing the pictures - especially seeing Natali - in one picture in the blog especially- looking soooo terrified, scared, unsure, with Dona teaching the class the first day that I wasn't there - I wished I could pick Natali up and hug her -- ( and she would probably try to pull down my pants or pull up my shirt-- and giggle - because she's naughty and she wants all of my attention - she knows that she can GET my attention by being a little naughty.... lol.)

Metis told me that the kids have asked "How is Katy? Is she ever coming back?" ... and that just broke me today. That was it. Tears.

I told her to tell the kids that I WILL come back to visit, that my family in the USA missed me and I have to see and be with my family now. But that I love them and I think about them EVERYDAY. I hope to find a way to setup a video chat at some point with at least the kids (at least my PRE-K2 class) and me.

It's strange because it feels like I've only been away ( from the US) for a week. But I know that's not true. I am experiencing some "reverse culture shock" but it's not too "shocking" ... just different, and some of the things are kind of funny to notice. Here's a little list.


Things I Noticed Within The First 48-72 Hours Back In The USA 

1.  My mom talks a lot - sometimes to herself. assessing things, etc.. ( "Shhhhh. Let's enjoy the quiet." - me to Mom on the 2nd day I was back.)
2. The sky is SO BLUE here.
3. Pollen is here too ( coughing, mucous, allergies - did not happen at ALL when I was in China)
4. It feels like I've been away for a week rather than a year. Time FLEW!
5. Jet lag was more difficult coming from China to New York ( first 3 nights in NY - went to bed around 6:30-7pm, woke up around 4-5am)
6. I miss using chopsticks regularly.
7. I miss my kids.

I was LOST in Starbucks in NYC yesterday without the choice of my usual "Cafe Americano" that I'd get in China, I ordered a "Tall Medium Blend" ( not really knowing what the heck I just ordered???!!! ) however, when the barista said "One Tall Pike" - it registered and I knew what it was. BUT I took out a $10 bill when it was only $2. - ( in China it would be 21 RMB so I guess I thought $10 would be right.)

I love being around ASIAN people here. I want to know their stories- how long they've been in America. How and when their families came here ( although I have not asked any one person/random stranger directly yet, it's just a fascination that I've noticed). I went to Koreatown in NYC and got dumplings for lunch at Mandoo Bar yesterday. I was going to be in midtown for most of the day and didn't want to trek down to Chinatown, so Koreatown was a good option to cure my Asia withdrawal. ( I know that I will take a day and tour Chinatown and take pictures to post to QQ soon).

speaking of QQ.... since being home, I've taken pictures that I want to post to my QQ page (NOT to Facebook). Pictures of NYC and chopsticks and dumplings and the beach .... things that I want to share with my friends ( especially Lisa) in China. Usually when I think of sharing pictures, I think of FB. But now... it's a little different... it's changed.

These are just some things I've noticed/some things I've been doing. I've also been less interested in reading "The New York Daily News" - less interest in local news and more interested in "The Wall St. Journal"- international news. However, I watched 2 episodes of "Khloe and Lamar" on E! today as well as "Giuliana Rancic's E! True Hollywood Story" soooo... I guess I've still got a little sweet tooth, still got a taste for some fluffy US pop culture.

"What if the challenge isn't me getting her to want to/be able to come here..... what if it's that I would rather move/settle there? ( in Taiwan - and/or some city in Asia with a good sized GLBT population) "  -- this was a question that caused me a few minutes of legitimate heart palpitating anxiety last night. While I was waiting for dance class and feeling a little disconnected .... I wondered. BUT I sweat it out, let it go.  We'll deal with that, when it gets closer to reality ....

I think it's a different kind of "reverse culture shock" though, ( maybe a more mild version?) because there's a buffer to protect me from the full impact. Knowledge is ... safety. I know that it's a "vacation", a "trip" home here now. I'm "going back to that side" -- despite not being in the same area/school. I'll be "closer" and it's also exciting because Taiwan will be both "strange and new AND familiar" - new country, new people, similar language, similar food.

Sitting at the dinner table with mom and dad the past few nights,  I've PRAYED that Lisa finds a really good school/ good program in Guangzhou where she will take ENGLISH CLASSES and study hard and LEARN ENGLISH. I've also prayed for my kids. Tonight was the first night that I had tears ....I choked... the tea bag broke. But I will continue to pray for them every night.

as I told Metis, I think about them EVERYDAY.
and if thoughts can truly become things, I believe that I will see them again soon.

*ALSO -- I just got off my stomach ( ohhh the pain! - seriously- I think my body's going through it's own reverse culture shock here working out again ) to EDIT this to add .... that I AM HAPPY to SEE and BE with my FAMILY and FRIENDS here in NY .... it's just.... different. I'm taking my time, taking it all in, enjoying the quiet ....and working hard to keep learning about things ( immigration/language, etc.) and working for the future ..  I'm excited to do new things while I'm home here ( maybe tour the Statue of Liberty, possibly take a hot air balloon ride with Mom and Dad) I've been BLESSED by ALL of the souls who've touched my life. Truly. It's all love.